Over the past bit of time I have been dealing with a heart issue that has kept me from my job as an educator. During this time, I still tried to visit my students and touch base with them whenever they needed me. I took time to and continued my professional development by attending and presenting at some conferences. I spent time on me and got back to nature. So, my image on Twitter looked like I was fine and still active. Sometimes we forget that our social image isn’t always the whole view. We all tend to show the positives of our lives. Can I say we pretend we have the perfect life?
I am very good at pretending. I have been pretending that I only have a small health issue. But this is not true. In May, I was finally diagnosed with an underlying medical issue that was causing my heart problems. My doctors found that I have cancer in my uterus. I have been quietly dealing with this and not really sharing. I am an internalize until I have all the facts I need. I keep to myself and live life as normal until I am forced to face reality. I haven’t really told anyone besides my immediate family and a few coworkers. That makes me wonder why I am hiding. I even tell friends I have just a little heart issue. I always down play everything.
Is my silence driven by a desire not to have cancer identify me? Is it because I don't want to see even a flash of sorrow in the eyes of others? Is it because I don't want others to see me as different or fragile even?
Hiding is not the agenda. It is just that I want to make it safe to go through this without cancer being at the forefront of my days. This is something I am going through and I don't want it to be my identity.
It has hit me today; I am a week out from surgery to remove the cancer and I realize that I am still pretending I am fine. I left the hospital the day after my total hysterectomy and was walking around. I refused to take pain killers because in my mind I have no pain. It’s just a twinge. You see I am a tough bird. I am trying to do everything I always do and then my body will just signal me to rest. I don’t have the energy I usually have and it is an adjustment for me. It is still a work in progress as we wait for results and plan out my treatment. Again another fact that doesn't sit well with me as I always seek control of things.
So now I am realizing I should share and get things off my chest and not hold it in. I need to come to terms with where I am today and keep positive about my future and my fight. You see I am not a person to lie down and take something, I am a fighter. I have spent years fighting for my students and now I need to use that tenacity for me.
So just remember that not everything is as it seems. Always look deeper and be there for those that need it.